A to B

By Izzy Webb

Alexandrina stared at her telephone resting on her desk. She had done this too many times before in the last eighteen months; debating whether or not to call them. Though she never went through with it, never got to dial the number. 

It made her think of everything that happened all over again. The foolish chain of events leading up to this sorry version of herself…

She met Blue Hart when they were ten years old at a food bank. Of all places. It was embarrassing to think about and even worse to talk about that time in her life. She was old enough to know what was happening to her family, but young enough to believe that it was normal. 

Her parents kept themselves to themselves while they were at the food bank. Alexandrina was too young to know any better so talked to anybody who would listen. She wasn’t the only child there. No, Blue was there with his family looking around like a lost puppy. 

She didn’t really know what it was about him. Maybe it was the way he held onto his mother’s hand, or the way his wide chocolate eyes stared at everything as though he was too small for this world. But she immediately liked him. 

Alexandrina had walked right up to him and held her hand out for him to shake. “Alexandrina King.” She told him in an assured voice. If he was weirded out by her name, he made no clue to it. 

“Blue,” he introduced himself as. “Blue Hart.” That was when he was really into James Bond. 

They spent ages talking about nothing and everything. Alexandrina realised quickly she had absolutely nothing in common with this little boy, but that thought hadn’t bothered her at the time. 

Their parents were itching to leave, but neither of them wanted to say goodbye to each other. They managed to get a ‘yes’ out of their parents for a park trip just on their own. It was only down the road and they promised to be home by three. 

They arrived at a bench sitting in front of an expanse of fields. Alexandrina brushed off the bench and perched on it and Blue leaned back causally against it as though it was his. 

Blue looked over the fields, the summer sun shining down onto them. “I’ll be rich when I’m older. And when I am, I’ll own this place.” 

Alexandrina remembered being surprised by this admission, like it had turned on a switch of awareness in her brain. “Me too.” She had said. “I’ll be so rich that… that I’ll be able to say whatever I want and no one will stop me.” 

Blue grinned. “We’ll be rich and we’ll be friends.” When he said it like that, it sounded like a fact. He held out his pinky finger and kept eye contact. Alexandrina got the idea that he rarely looked anyone else in the eye like he did her. 

She gave him her pinky and shook on it. “We’ll be rich and we’ll be friends.” She repeated. 

God, how she wished that it could’ve been that simple. 

Blue often went to that park. Even now, at the age of twenty-seven he would go there to sit at that bench and remind himself of the simpler times. He liked that about it; it was the beginning and the end of two eras. 

He looked down at the article on his phone he had been sent this morning as he walked to the park. He was on the front cover, pictured with his ‘clever and popular’ new video game. The video game was in its case and the blue title of it stood out against its scarlet background, ‘Rich Friends’. 

Blue had been adamant that he name his game after Alex. It didn’t matter to him that she hates him now, it was important to him to give her the title she deserves for making him who he is today. 

He thought of his fifteenth birthday. 

Blue liked to think of that day as the day he realised that he couldn’t live without her. 

He had invited only Alex and wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed. She had given him a finance book and a card that read, ‘for the future’. She was like that a lot: cryptic and forward. He knew she had saved up a lot of loose change for the present. 

He was grateful. 

Queen was playing on the old radio and his parents were out. His bedroom was painted blue in tribute to his name and his bunk bed took up most of the rectangular room. The space that was left inhabited a wooden drawer and a red beanbag. Though today, he had kicked the beanbag out. 

Blue turned up the music and smiled as Alex sat on the lower bunk. She seemed to read his mind. Blue was convinced she knew him better than he knew himself. 

“No.” Alex crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not dancing.” 

“Please,” Blue begged. He held out his hand to her. “It’s my birthday.” 

Alex rolled her brown eyes. She stared at his hand as though it were sprouting warts then back up at him with a huff. “Do I have to?” 

“Yes.” Blue insisted. 

She put her soft manicured hand in his and he pulled her to her feet. Blue started with vigour; pulling her into his arms dramatically and spinning them both around. Alex squealed unpleasantly in his ear, but he only laughed. 

Blue grasped her hands and moved them back and forth so her shoulders and short hair moved to the beat of Somebody To Love. He knew he was grinning like a Cheshire Cat because she was staring at him like she was trying to contain a laugh. 

They danced with little rhythm: he spun her around and pulled her back into his arms. He twirled her outwards as far as they could in the little box room. Alex smiled at him then. Genuinely laughing as Blue pulled her back into his arms. It was the first time he had gotten that out of her. He loved it. 

Alex was starting to get taller than him so their faces were aligned with each other as they danced some more. Blue remembered thinking that he would’ve liked to remember this for the rest of his life.

The song was coming to a close as he hugged her. They swayed as he rested his chin on her shoulder. After a moment, Alex did the same. Blue felt truly at peace. 

He felt like he was in love. 

Blue couldn’t remember whether that feeling was platonic or romantic, but he remembered feeling like his heart was full. Like he had met his person. 

He didn’t say any of that though. 

Alex detached herself with a half smile. “Tell anyone about that and I’ll murder you, Blue.” 

Blue grinned again. “Never, Alex.” He didn’t want to tell anyone. He wanted this to be his. 

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that.” Alex complained. Even after five years, she hated the nickname with a passion. 

Alexandrina pulled out her fancy wine. She had been saving it for a good occasion. An occasion she thought she would be present for. But looking at the article she had seen this morning, she had missed it by her own making. 

She poured herself a glass of the red wine. A large one. 

Alexandrina was reminded of the weekend after her eighteenth birthday. She had been too busy with college to see anyone on her birthday and wasn’t really planning on doing anything. But Blue begged. And for some unknown reason, when Blue begged she just couldn’t say no…

So they had gone out. Now they had part time jobs for two years, they had money to spend. Alexandrina kept her purse strings tight and tried to keep Blue’s tighter. But Blue liked to spend. She always knew that would be what got him in the end. 

They stopped at a bar and Blue asked for ‘Your nicest wine’. Alexandrina winced, but refrained from asking the price. 

Despite the extortionate price she ended up halving with Blue, the wine was amazing. So good in fact, that she got wine drunk very quickly. 

“I hate my parents.” She slurred later on in the evening. 

Blue’s eyes widened across the booth. “What?” 

“I hate my parents.” She repeated. “They should have been better with their money.” Apparently drunk Alexandrina was honest. 

“Sometimes life gets in the way.” Blue said. He looked upset. “It wasn’t their fault.” 

She rolled her eyes, but felt bad for upsetting him. “Don’t be sad, Bluey.” Alexandrina said. 

Blue softened a bit. He hadn’t had as much to drink as her. He knew his limit already. 

She went to pour herself another drink, but he stopped her with a gentle hand around her wrist. “Do you want to stay at mine?” 

This question had been asked many times over the years, primarily asking her rather than the other way around. She hated going home: it reminded her of what failure looks like. Blue seemed to know that without ever asking her why she didn’t go home. 

Alexandrina nodded, suddenly sleepy. 

He ordered a taxi and led her out of the bar by a hand on the small of her back. 

Blue remembered Alex’s eighteenth birthday vividly. 

He had never been more appalled with her words than he had that night. Even though he didn’t agree with her outlook on her parents’ situation, he understood where the resentment stemmed from. For Alex, she chose to see mistakes, but for Blue, he only saw two people who tried their best…

He had helped her back to his parents house and they stumbled through the dark hallway with difficulty. She knocked over a set of spare keys that made a lot of noise. “Whoops!” She whisper-shouted. 

Blue felt like laughing. Out of misery or happiness he wasn’t sure. 

His top bunk was now being used as storage so, after taking her shoes off and wiping her makeup off, he laid Alex on his bottom bunk. 

She was half asleep already, but she grasped his hand and squeezed it. He stroked her dark hair out of her face. “Go to sleep, Alex.” 

She nodded. “Yes, Bluey.” That was the second time she’d used that nickname in his entire time of knowing her. All in one day. And she was drunk. 

The next thing that came out of his mouth was impulsive. “I’m not in love with you anymore.” He said it in a soft whisper. He wasn’t even sure she heard him. He knew that after he said it, it was true. He liked her and cared for her, but he didn’t feel full in the way he did on his fifteenth birthday. 

He changed into his plaid pjs and slept on the leather sofa in the living room. It was uncomfortable and sticky, but he didn’t mind. 

Blue woke to the sound of the radio. It was playing some pop music. He ventured into the hallway where he could see the bathroom door open at the very end. Blue’s bedroom was next door so the music drifted through into the bathroom. 

Alex was in her matching underwear brushing her teeth with the spare toothbrush he bought her. She wasn’t dancing. She hadn’t danced since she was fifteen, but she was bobbing her head a little to the music. 

Blue always thought that she could be a model if she wanted to. She was slim and was all sharp lines. She looked after herself and was effortlessly beautiful because of that. 

Blue cleared his throat. “Good morning.” 

“Morning.” Alex said. She appeared unbothered by her lack of clothes. “Thank you for last night.” She washed her toothbrush under the tap. “I don’t remember much.” 

Blue swallowed, trying to focus on her face. “It’s nothing. You would have done the same for me.” 

Blue thought he saw a flicker of concern across her face, but it was gone too quickly for him to confirm. 

“I’m not in love with you anymore.” 

Alexandrina remembered that sentence. Usually, she blocked it out of her memory, tried not to think about it, or ignored the memory completely. 

At the time, she thought she was too drunk to confirm that it had been real or not. But she was sure, looking back, that Blue had said that to her. 

Perhaps that was why she acted the way she did in the morning. She had always known, really, that Blue had a certain affection for her that other people didn’t. No one liked her apart from Blue so the idea that he was in love with her wasn’t beyond imagination. 

It was selfish of her to act that way. She liked the attention too much. She liked to be wanted by him in a way no one else had before.  

She never brought it up again and neither did he. 

Blue was a couple of minutes away from the bench when he spotted the tree. 

This wasn’t just any tree. This was the tree that had their initials carved onto the side. It was a massive oak tree with ‘A and B’ there. 

His fingers touched the ridges of the carving that had slightly faded with age…

He remembered her squeal as it began to pour down with the end of summer rain. They ran from the bench to the shelter of a tree. They were about to leave for university. 

He was going to miss her. He was going to Exeter University and she was going to Cardiff university. They were going to call every Monday night. He wouldn’t be surprised if that fell through, though. 

She was soaked through; her white summer dress had gone see through and his light blue t-shirt had too. Her dark bob was planted to her neck and his hair fell forwards, dripping onto his nose. 

He was grinning at her. The whole thing was funny to him. 

“What’s so funny?” She asked. 

“That our perfect goodbye has been ruined by rain.” He said sarcastically. Alex had been preparing for this all week, but he wasn’t as worried as her. He just wanted to be near her, it didn’t matter how or where. 

She hit him with her black knock-off handbag. As though realising his shirt was see through for the first time, she glanced down at her dress. Alex swore colourfully as Blue laughed at her. 

“It’s not funny! I’m not wearing a bra!” She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled up at him. It reminded him of when she was younger and she used to scowl at him for using her nickname. Her summer freckles were fading now, but when she scrunched her nose, they were even more obvious. 

He took off his plaid shirt and gave it to her. “Here.” She took it gratefully. 

Blue leaned on the tree as he watched her put on the wet flannel shirt. His eyes drifted to the tree where he could see a carving that wrote ‘J + P’. 

He found himself grinning as he squatted down to grasp a sharp stone lying next to the roots of the tree. He began to carve into the wood.

“What are you doing?” Alex asked, her tone judgmental. 

“Carving our initials.” He had said matter-of-factly. 

Alex hit him on the arm again. “Why? We’re not partners.” 

Blue grinned at her. “But we are partners in crime.” 

Blue remembered the way she bit back a smile as she rolled her eyes. 

Alexandrina was half drunk when she returned from university. 

She had visited home multiple times over the three years away in Cardiff. But the thought of returning home fully made her feel slightly nauseated. 

So when the train had offered alcohol, how could she say no? 

Blue had been home a couple of days before her and they had agreed on the phone to meet at the train station. 

She missed him. Well, she thought she did. That’s what that unknown twist in her gut must be when she thinks about Blue. 

The train pulled into the station and she felt a bit wobbly on her feet. Was the train still moving? 

Blue was there in his classic ensemble: blue t-shirt with a Tardis on it and baggy jeans. His flannel shirt was not there, but Alexandrina knew it was in her suitcase. He was grinning the second his eyes caught on her. 

Any anxiety of things being any different or awkward between them evaporated immediately.

She heard the squeal come out of her mouth as though she were out of control, she pulled her suitcase out with her. The rest of her luggage would come tomorrow. Alexandrina flung herself into his arms and he whirled her around. 

“Alex.” He breathed into her ear like a sigh of relief. 

God, she hated the nickname, but hell she liked him. 

“Bluey.” She whispered back. Though in her drunkenness it probably was a half shout. 

Blue stilled momentarily. Then he pulled away and smiled at her. “Let’s get you home.” Despite her tipsy state, she never missed the hurt in his voice. 

Blue was still leaning against the tree. He didn’t feel like moving…

He reminded himself of the time they met here because Alex had asked him to. 

She was starting to dress more professionally now. She was still living with her parents, but the part time job she had at the time allowed her to buy pencil dresses in several colours. The one she wore was a deep red. 

She had a small smile on her face: one he had seen so often like she was trying to contain her happiness. 

He smiled at her. They were twenty-three now and somewhere along the way, they had stopped greeting each other with hugs.

Alex touched her hand to his arm in ‘hello’. 

“I got the job.” She whispered as though raising her voice might make it unreal. Her hand touched her lips like she couldn’t quite believe she’d said it. 

Blue hugged her without asking. He could hear her laugh as he embraced her tightly. “I knew you would!” he kept saying over and over. 

Alex pulled herself off him. “And you?” she asked expectantly. “What’s your news?” 

Blue felt sheepish. He knew his news was good, great even, but he still felt inferior to Alex. 

When had it shifted from being equal to this? 

“I’ve found an investor for my video game.” He murmured. 

Alex smiled. “That’s brilliant Blue!” 

Blue couldn’t help but feel inadequate. 

Alexandrina found herself walking towards her wardrobe. As if in autopilot, her hand slipped through her clothes to the end where Blue’s flannel shirt hung. 

She looked after it well, but had never washed it. She brought it to her face and inhaled deeply. She had it so long that the usual smell of cheap cologne and spearmint had mostly worn off. It smelt of her: coconut and lemon. 

Alexandrina sighed sadly. She’d probably never have the opportunity to give this back to him. 

She stayed like that for an embarrassingly long time. 

Blue should’ve known that his video game would fail the first time. 

Even looking at his face on the front cover of a news article hadn’t really changed that fact that he had once been a failure.

Though that had meant something different to him than it had Alex…

He had been just twenty six, about eighteen months ago now. Blue had been top of his game, literally. His game was rising up the ranks quickly. 

He’d made a stupid decision to sponsor a company through the name of his business. He thought it would boost promotions. 

It certainly did. 

The company, a beer company, had a scandal. A massive one. They went bankrupt and took everyone down with it, including Blue’s business. 

Blue remembered that day. The moment he realised he’d reached the top of the mountain and was about to fall very hard. 

He did the first thing that came to mind. The only thing that came to mind. He called Alex to meet at their bench. Their spot. He needed her right now. 

Blue was approaching the bench now, at twenty seven years, and he spotted someone coming the opposite way…

Alexandrina put the flannel shirt away. She had to remind herself of how they got to this point: the argument. 

It had gotten out of hand. Her recently demoted self could admit that. But back then, it had felt like a violent stab in the back…

Alexandrina remembered it like it was yesterday. She had come straight to the bench. They hadn’t sat down because it was covered in autumn leaves. Blue’s code red call was out of the blue, literally. He was there, not quite crying, but not quite dry-eyed. 

“What…?” Alexandrina asked breathlessly. Her breath was visible in the fresh mist. She left her overtime at work early. She didn’t do that for just anyone. She did it for Blue. 

“You know that sponsorship?” Blue said, his voice sounded tired. 

“Yes. What about it?” 

He gave her a long look. Instead, he pulled out his phone and showed her the article. The title basically told her he was screwed in six different languages. 

She handed back the phone, feeling sick. “You’re going have to do some serious damage control.” She replied. “You’ll have to dip into your savings to properly-“ 

Blue cut her off with a small voice. “I don’t have any savings.” 

“W-What?” It was the first time Alexandrina had ever stuttered in her life. “You mean you didn’t save anything just in case? Nothing for mistakes exactly like this?” Her voice steadily rose and became more accusatory. They were beginning to get onlookers. 

Alexandrina couldn’t bear to think about the way his face had screwed up in self pity. 

That was it. She had to go to the bench. And right now. 

Blue saw her coming and remembered the last time he saw her…

“I can’t believe you saved nothing.” She shouted. 

He screwed up his face in disappointment with himself. “I wanted the game to go well. I spent a lot of it on the game.” Blue tried to explain. 

Alex shook her head. “Did you even read the book I got you? Did you learn nothing from our parents?” 

Blue recoiled. “Don’t say that.” he ran a hand through his blond hair. “Please.” He sighed. “I can fix this. We can fix this. If you can lend me some money, I can-“ 

“Sorry?” Alex’s stern, frankly scary, voice cut in. 

“I can fix this, Alex, I can.” He repeated. 

“Don’t call me that.” Her hand came up in a stop motion. Her face was red. 

Blue felt his eyes water. Alex hadn’t told him off for that in years. The sense of foreboding increased. His heart felt so full that it was threatening to explode. 

“What the hell makes you think I would lend you money? You got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself back out, Blue.” She looked and sounded furious. 

Blue had felt his stomach lurch. “But- I thought we were in this together. I thought we were going to be rich and friends.” His voice sounded petulant. 

“So did I.” Alex sounded disappointed with him. She was shaking her head, preparing to leave, but then turned back around to him again. “I never thought you would turn into your parents.” She spat. 

Blue had heard a choked sound leave his mouth, his eyes wide. “Alex…please.” He stepped forwards and she stepped backwards. “I don’t know what I’ve done.” He murmured. The hurt in her eyes was unbearable. The fact that he had unknowingly caused it…

For weeks after, Alex wouldn’t answer his calls, or her door, or his messages. He tried sending letters, too. She never answered any of them. Eventually, he just stopped trying. 

He didn’t want to know what she did with the letters. 

Alexandrina’s breath flew out of her mouth as she spotted Blue at the bench. 

She hadn’t anticipated him to be here. She thought of her pride. Since ignoring him, she had decided to not talk to him or even be near him. 

But she didn’t move. 

She could see Blue from her space a couple of feet from the bench. All of him. He wore another darker blue t-shirt and cargo pants. Her breath caught again at the sight of his new flannel shirt. 

He was the same. He never changed. She had always liked that about him: an immovable figure in her life. But not anymore. 

His face flickered with recognition then returned to a blank slate. Blue sat on the bench. He appeared to ignore her presence, but she knew that he had seen her. 

Alexandrina didn’t know what to do. She should leave. She really should. But when she glanced at the empty seat next to him, she knew she was screwed. 

Before she could even think better of the idea, she was moving to sit next to him. Alexandrina’s eye caught the new plaque on the bench: ‘To A and B’. Tears swam into her eyes as she remembered their first conversation. He always said he’d own this place somehow.

She dusted off the bench seat and perched. In the same second, Blue moved down the bench and right to the end of it. 

It was the first time since childhood that she hated herself. 

Blue couldn’t handle it. 

He wasn’t sure whether to cry of joy or madness that she had sat down with him. 

He didn’t know why she was here, but he wished to hate her for what she did, for the way she reacted, but he couldn’t. 

Blue knew that she had been scared. For him or herself, he still didn’t quite know. He hoped she regretted it, that she felt guilty, but he didn’t want her to suffer completely. The way things had ended had been, admittedly, awful, but not so catastrophic that he could stop loving her. Unfortunately. 

Blue still had so much love for her, but he had lost his respect for her along the way. He realised he probably lost his respect a very long time ago. 

He would only stay at this bench for ten minutes. Ten minutes every weekend to keep him sane. Whatever happened, he would not speak first. He couldn’t. 

Blue wanted to talk to her. Desperately so. He wanted to tell her about his video game, about his eighteenth months without her, about what he had for breakfast this morning. He just wanted to speak to her, but he couldn’t. 

He wondered briefly while he looked out at the snowy fields, how they had gotten here. How two ten year olds had caused years worth of damage without even realising. 

How they got from A to B. 

Alexandrina was about to pluck up the courage to say something. Anything. Maybe not apologise. But then Blue got up and left. 

She watched him walk away and figured that if this felt anything like when she had walked away from him, she finally understood how horrible she had been to him that day. 

Alexandrina waited on the bench for a long time. She wasn’t sure how long, but she spent a while just thinking. 

When she did leave, she went straight home with no detours. She set her jaw in determination and pulled up at home. She wouldn’t be able to afford it on her new pay cut. Alexandrina is finally going to have to cut down on her fancy food. 

Alexandrina turned the thoughts over and over in her mind, but all she could think of was the fact that Blue clearly didn’t need her anymore. 

She walked into her office. She felt a little more sober than she did before she left. 

Alexandrina glared at her telephone with vengeance. Pouring herself a smaller glass of wine, since she left it out, she turned on the radio. She laughed at the irony of Somebody To Love blasting through the speaker. 

She opened her drawer, taking it out the desk completely, and tipped it over her desk. All the letters Blue had sent flew down onto the desk in a flurry like the snow outside. All of them were unopened. 

She ripped the first one open and skimmed it. ‘I love you’ and ‘please answer me’ jumped out at her. She opened another one. ‘I could never hate you’, ‘I want to apologise’. 

And another. ‘Do you miss me?’

And another. And another and another. 

The letters got progressively less hopeful until there was no more to open. She looked down at the pile of paper, breathing heavily. Looking at it made her so angry. 

She noticed one on the floor that she had missed. It had been sent early on. It was addressed in her full name unlike the others. She opened it carefully. It was mostly blank other than one sentence: ‘You were finally rich enough to say whatever you wanted.’ 

The tears started to stream down her cheeks. It blurred her vision as she ripped up the letter into tiny little pieces. Once there was nothing left to rip, she fell backwards into her office chair. 

After she calmed down, she realised had nothing left to lose: she picked up the phone and held it to the side of her face. 

Alex dialled the number and called. 

–

Izzy is a seventeen-year-old in college whose favourite genres to read and write are murder mysteries and romance.