By France Maxine

“I miss you.”

It’s the phrase that I always hear myself say. Whenever the cold air hits my skin, whenever I see something beautiful, whenever I’m in the jeep looking through the window, and whenever everything feels so heavy—I suddenly have the urge to say I miss you. It carried me through my darkest moments, when I got tired of saying the words “I love you.”

Maybe when others see me saying that phrase, they often think that I’m missing someone. And, actually, that’s also what I want them to think. Or the right words would be, that’s what I want myself to believe.

But, no matter how much I try to convince myself, it’s not a person that I miss. It’s a certain feeling—a feeling that I can’t quite reach. I know there’s a hole in my heart, and it’s whispering words my mortal mind can’t seem to understand. It only knows that it’s missing something.

I am longing. Longing for something that I don’t know I deserve. Longing for something that I don’t even know if truly exists. All I have is hope. Hope that I could live long enough to experience it.

Maybe I miss the feeling of comfort. I am missing the feeling of being safe, and secure. Because right now, I am still finding solace, the sanctuary that I kept talking about. Because no matter how much I try to fool myself, deep inside I know that I am still lonely, tired, and scared.

Maybe, I miss you because I miss the time when writing was not even necessary, because talking about my love is all it takes for me to want to live again. I miss thriving for people that I love. I miss missing someone genuinely, and without fear. I miss being inspired to take action. I miss loving love.

This is perchance a part of healing. Knowing what I need, and letting myself grieve. Time will come where I would get everything I need. I will be satisfied with my life, and my I miss you will be genuinely for someone that I dare love. Someone that would let me love them, and someone that would love me. But for now, all I know is:

“I miss you.”

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France Maxine is a high school student living in the Philippines. They are a hopeless romantic who in their free time, loves to daydream and do nothing. Writing is their way of showing how much they love the world, as well as some who live in it.