Moths

By Vab

The boy loved drawing. When he found out about how his parents liked horses, he drew a horse for them. They said he was amazing at art and praised him. Years later, he still draws for them, but they don’t acknowledge it as much as they did before, and the boy doesn’t want to draw horses anymore. He tries so hard to impress them, but still fails. He moves on from drawing to school. He does his best for straight A’s in hopes of making them as impressed again. Another school year spent waiting to be acknowledged again, another year of confusion. He was the type to be all mushy with his parents as a kid, but over the years, he felt more disconnected. Less assured and less comfortable. Eventually, he didn’t want to physically touch them. He didn’t know why he felt this way. Why did he get so mad upon touching them or telling them he loved them? He knew he’d regret it later, but he couldn’t help it. One day, when his dad suddenly wanted to caress him, he dodged. The boy thought he would understand. He didn’t. Instead, he yelled. Why have you changed so much? He repeated. Why are you like this? Making sure the boy had it embedded in his head. The boy was searching for the answers to those questions. Not daring to say anything. Only listening to the rest of his words. In the end, he ended up on his bed, curled up. I’ll never be enough, he thought. Trying to sleep. Only to hear footsteps. His dad had followed him and laid next to him. Hugging him, repeating his earlier words. I’ll never be enough for you. The boy thought again. Crying himself to sleep. In silence.

One afternoon, the boy sees a moth. The boy looks at how the moth flies towards the light. Confused, the boy looks into moths at the library in school one day. He reads about why moths fly towards light, but he thinks there’s more to it. Aside from informative books, he also finds a book about a moth and a butterfly with a torn wing. Intrigued, he reads it. Once upon a time, there was a moth that was known to be ugly by the rest of its neighbors. The butterfly, on the other hand, was looked up upon by the neighbors due to its beauty. The moth also looks up to the butterfly. Sometimes even getting the chance to meet the butterfly a few times. They barely talked. But when they did, the butterfly would talk with the moth, unbothered by how ‘hideous’ the moth is. One stormy day, the moth sees the butterfly fall from the rain and tear one of its wings. The neighbors discriminate against the butterfly after looking at him. The moth doesn’t understand why, all of a sudden, they hate the butterfly. The butterfly was still as beautiful as ever, the moth thought. Finally, the moth finds the courage to talk to the butterfly, but the butterfly tries to hide. The butterfly thinks he’s disgusting to look at. Not because of his appearance, but because he ‘let the rest down.’ The moth explained to the butterfly how he didn’t let them down and that what happened wasn’t his fault. If the rest really care about his appearance, then he doesn’t deserve to try so hard for them. The moth begs the butterfly to not hide. The moth tells the butterfly that even if the rest think he let them down, the moth still loves the butterfly. The butterfly wanted to thank the moth, but even thanking didn’t feel like enough to show his gratitude. The butterfly hugged the moth. Whispering, “You are truly beautiful.” The moth was washed down with a feeling he never knew he’d get to feel. The moth assured the butterfly, “You are my hope, and I want you to know that’s enough for me.”

One day, the boy gets an assignment and realizes he got one answer wrong. But he wasn’t worried. He knew his parents wouldn’t care. Why would they? They didn’t care about his grades before. Even when they were all perfect. His parents asked for the assignment, and he gave it to them. On his way back to his room, he was stopped. His dad asked why he got an answer wrong. The boy said it was nothing. How could it be nothing? The dad asked. You usually get good grades; why all of a sudden? Why, all of a sudden, what? The boy thought. Everything I do is for you guys. It’s to impress you and get praised. To be proud of me. I always have amazing grades, but one slight difference finally gets your attention. The boy tried to hold his thoughts, afraid they could hear them. Why do you hate me so much? He repeats it in his mind. Silently, he asks if he can go bathe. That was his only safe space. But, in reality, he didn’t feel safe anywhere. His home was too open to others, and his mind was too busy to relax. He couldn’t take it anymore. Could, but didn’t want to. He wanted to go somewhere where no one would reach him. Where no one would, even though they could. He held his breath. Dipping his head under the water. Watching the pockets of air bubble up. He let his breathless heart beat slower and slower. Finally, he can focus. He didn’t know what to think about. Maybe about how one day he’ll leave everything behind? No. How his parents never think he’s enough? No, not at all. He doesn’t want to let that slowly destroy him. He wants to live. He’d rather think about moths. The boy loved moths.

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Vab is an author that likes to show off her work. She was born in the United States. She likes drawing, and writing about things that change her perspective and show how she feels. She tries to be private online but likes sharing ideas.