By Jaymie R.

I drove through the streets of this town that I’d ingrained into my brain. Even now, I could probably do this with my eyes closed. I slowly drove down each small road, around every corner, each bringing back a different memory.

I sighed and shook my head as if trying to brush away all of my thoughts. I was just driving through to fill up the car and carry on. In and out.

Still, I could see houses of old friends, and I couldn’t help but speculate if they were still there. I wonder if their rooms have changed since I was last there, if they took down the posters or re-painted the walls. If they gave away the toys and teddies we used to play with. If they’d left long ago and their rooms turned into a guest room. What about my old room? Did they throw out all the stuff I didn’t take? Did they give it away? Or would it be exactly how I’d left it? Every book, every poster, every piece of clothing in my drawers. Would all of it be in the same place?

I sucked in my breath and turned the radio up, the feeling of the bass and the sound of the treble momentarily drowning out my thoughts. I tried to enjoy the drive as I wound through the streets and saw kids laughing and playing where I used to hang out with my friends. 

Eventually, I passed the playground. It’s old now, the climbing frame rusted and the once bright green paint worn and chipped. The roundabout was worn down and the metal was falling apart. The swing set was rusted, one of the chains broken. I could still picture what it was like when it was brand new. The kids all constantly played on it, went down the slide, climbed the small rock wall that I know is still there with its worn-down coloured rubber holders. I remember in the summer when all our families would have a big picnic in the field and we’d spray water all over the place, turn the slide into a slip-n-slide, have fun, be kids. 

The memory filled my chest, the warmth of the joy spreading through me. I felt my shoulders drop, my jaw unclench. All the stress I’d built up faded away as I thought back to that day. The same day every summer. 

A harsh horn breaks the feeling. The happiness that had filled me drains like someone poked a hole in the bottom of a bucket brimming with water. I jolted as I saw a car in my rearview mirror and I realised I’d stopped in the middle of the road. I started to accelerate, holding my hand up in a silent apology when my eyes wandered up to the driver. 

I recognised her. She was my old best friend’s mother. She didn’t seem to recognise me; instead, she merely overtook my car and drove away. But I knew her car. It was the same one she used to drive us to practice in. The same one I got dirty with caked mud from my trainers. The same one I accidentally put a dent in with my bike, a dent that was still there. 

Maybe things hadn’t changed much. Maybe not everything had rusted away yet. 

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I had finally filled up my car, belatedly completing my original task after taking a three-hour detour around town. It was late, darkness settling in as I finished putting petrol in the tank. 

The door of the station dinged as I walked in to pay, the noise startling the woman at the desk. She seemed to have been falling asleep, her head in her hands. 

“Pump four, please,” I said as an awkward smile played at my lips. 

She nodded and punched in a few numbers. 

“That’ll be forty-five pounds,” she requested, holding out the card machine. 

My hand froze. I knew that voice. I looked up slowly, and I could see it. I could see her. She was around the same age as me, that’s how I knew. I could see it in her eyes, the same sparkly brown. The same wavy, sake-coloured hair that was now styled into a wolf cut. It was her. My old best friend. She had two lip piercings now, and a nose one. Her baby face was gone but she still had full, innocent-looking cheeks. She was stunning, just as stunning as I remembered. I could hear her voice from years before in my head. 

“You can’t leave, Maia, you can’t!”

“Please don’t go, I need you here!”

“We had plans! Please, stay with me…”

I could still hear her cries from the night I’d left. I’d gone to say goodbye to her before I had disappeared forever. I could still hear the sobs that wracked her body, I could still hear the grief that tore her heart apart. 

“Hello? You going to pay?” Her voice woke me up. 

It sounded deeper now, more mature. Almost mysterious, with undertones of mischief, as if she was always planning something. It had always been like that, the two of us never not getting in trouble together. 

I scanned the card, then swiftly took it back before she could see the name. 

As soon as the payment went through, I turned around and headed for the door when her voice called out after me. “Before you go, have you seen this girl? She ran away a while ago and I need to find her again.” She held out a battered photo, printed in colour. It was a cropped picture from our old cross-country team, zoomed in on me. My long blonde hair was tied in a ponytail and a victorious grin was plastered on my face. I wore the uniform with pride, the red and black with our numbers on them. A big white ‘26’ on my chest. A ‘62’ on hers. 

I looked different now. My hair was shorter, dyed brown with a red streak. I no longer wore the grin of a victor, but the broken smile of a survivor. My face had changed, it’d grown to fit my skin better. I’d lost my baby fat, I had better style. I looked nothing like that little girl. Not anymore. I’d made sure of it. 

But I still remembered that day, the day we won our first championship. 

I shook my head. “Sorry. Why do you want to find her so bad?”

“There’s so much I didn’t tell her. So much she needed to hear that I didn’t have the guts to say.” She sighed and placed the photo back under the counter. “I need to tell her that I love her back.” My eyes widened. I stood there, shocked. I couldn’t move, couldn’t tear my eyes away from hers. 

So I ran. I ran out the door and to my car, jumping in and driving off, my seat belt forgotten as I drove down the old dirt road out of town. 

I turned the music up and drowned out my thoughts with the beat.

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It had been four months since I went back. Four months and her face still hadn’t left my mind. Every time I closed my eyelids, she was there. Her gorgeous, deep brown eyes staring into mine, searching for anything they can find. 

I was sitting in my car in a car park, blasting my music through the speakers so loud that I was sure I’d break them. The music drowned out the thoughts, drowned out the images of that rusted swingset until all that was left in my mind was the music. The music and…her. 

I slammed my hands against the steering wheel, a frustrated yell leaving my throat. Why wouldn’t she leave me alone?

My engine was on and I was turning out of the car park before I could even register what my I was doing. I needed to drive, needed to think about something else. And so I did. I drove through the countryside, taking in the views of the hills and the sunset from spots on the deserted road. I drove through the city, cursing at traffic lights and bad drivers until there was no anger left to bubble in my heart. I drove through a small village, watching a cat climb a wall. 

I pulled into a gas station, one that felt familiar for a reason I couldn’t place. I pulled into a pump, shut off my engine, and just sat there for a moment, collecting my thoughts. It was nearly two AM and I needed to fill up my tank and get home. Where was I? I looked around, then my heart stopped as I realised where my subconscious brain had taken me. Back here.

A huff escaped my lips as I opened the door and filled up the tank, my foot tapping along to an inaudible beat. I heaved the door into the shop open, the beep scaring me this time, rather than the worker. I looked up once I reached the counter and…

It was her.

My breath hitched in my throat. Her eyes caught mine, a flicker of recognition racing through them for a moment, and my heart stopped.

“You were here a while back. The girl who was stuck in her head.” She chuckled. “Good to see you again.”

I just smiled. “Pump four, please.” She nodded, that grin I’d grown to adore still sitting on her face as she punched in the numbers. 

“Forty-five pounds, once again.” I reached over and swiped my card, our fingertips brushing as she pulled the machine back, and I felt an electric shock dance between our skin. Like it knew. Like it knew we needed to see each other.

“I saw her.” I blurted out. When I realised what I’d said I covered my mouth, but it was too late. Her eyes darted up to meet mine; a mix of fear, shock, and excitement filled her expression. 

“Y-you have?” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just nodded again. “Wh-where? I need to know! Please?” I stayed silent for a moment, my gaze never breaking hers. She took my hands into her own. Her skin was soft, her palms calloused. They held mine tight, as if they were always meant to. “Please…” Desperation laced her voice. The mischief was gone, replaced with heavy, cold grief.

“I talked to her…she said she ran away when she was thirteen. No one knew where she went. She told me she used to play with you every day, that you both had teddies who were ‘married’ and who you pretended lived at the playground. You had a picnic there, every summer. You would play with all the other kids with water guns and water balloons. You two used to have sleepovers so often you called each other’s parents mum and dad.” I paused at the sight of tears falling from her eyes. “Do you know why she left?” I asked gently. She shook her head, tears beginning to stream.

“She loved you too much. She couldn’t bear living with a love that would never be returned.”

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Three months, two weeks, and five days since I’d spoken to her last. Not that I was counting. 

Seeing her cry again broke something in me that I’d forgotten existed from years of pushing it down. Years of pretending that the feeling wasn’t there. Now it had resurfaced to haunt me all over again. I cried that night. I cried into my pillow, my blankets, into the teddy she’d given me that was married to hers. I’d never cried for that long in quite a while.

This morning was my day off and I decided to go on a drive to clear my head. To get rid of these thoughts of what was and focus on what is.

So I did just that.

I started the car, putting my music on and turning the dial all the way up. It was a ritual now; I did it every time I got in the car. I put my seatbelt on and drove away, out of the car park and down the road that my mind decided was right.

This trip was different. I went shopping. I got lunch. I spoke to some people. I enjoyed the day. I put myself out there. For a while, I’d forgotten about my past. I’d forgotten about my hurt. I’d had a good time.

But then I sat back in the driver’s seat of my car, all my shopping bags in the boot. No music echoed from my speakers, so my thoughts fought to fill the silence. Thoughts of her. Her tears, her laugh, her carefree energy, her mischief, her contagious laugh. Just…her. I was driving down a now familiar country road. Down the dirt path and then the turn off into the gas station. I pulled in and filled up the tank; this time it didn’t need it as much, but I might as well. 

The beep of the door didn’t scare either of us this time. By the looks of it, she was waiting for me. 

“Look at you. Miss head-in-the-clouds,” she laughed breathlessly. “Pump four?” I just nodded, a smile dancing on my lips. She punched in the numbers, beaming. “Twenty-six pounds. My lucky number.” I swiped my card, my smile turning into a grin.

“Mine is sixty-two,” I said quietly. “But you already knew that, didn’t you, Harriet?” I smiled up at her, watching her realise. I saw the emotions pass over her face. Shock, fear, recognition, anger. Then finally…love.

“Maia…?” 

I nodded. “Hey, Harry…I missed you.”

She vaulted over the counter, tripping and sending us both to the floor. I laughed so hard it hurt. A proper belly laugh only certain people can bring out. A laugh I hadn’t laughed in years. She laughed with me and oh, how I had missed that sound. It rang through my ears, sounding almost angelic.

“Maia I missed you! I missed you so much. I spent years looking for you. Why did you leave me? Why? I loved you so much…” Her laughter turned to a choked sob and I pulled her into my chest.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t deal with the heartbreak of losing you.”

“But I loved you! I still do!” She looked up at me, her brown eyes meeting my green. “Do you still love me?”

“Harriet…of course I do. How could I ever stop?”

She smiled that smile of hers. Determination mixed with mischievousness. The gorgeous smile that made me fall in love with her. Her calloused palms held my cheeks as she pulled me into a soft kiss. Her lips touched mine and sparks flew. This was the moment I’d been waiting for, for nine years.

I’d finally found my soulmate. And she was right where I’d started. 

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Jaymie is a queer author who loves writing and wants to inspire other young authors like them. They like gaming and music, and love reading!