By Kaelynn Vuong

I am impulsive. And I am not. I don’t live in the moment, I live behind it, just a little out of sight. But I feel in the moment. My emotions run ahead of me and shadow the actions of my present self. I react before I think, but I think before I act. 

I don’t have my emotions on a tight leash. They are a free beast that nips at my heels. I turn, and they are ahead of me. I stop, and they are me. In anger, they rush to the front, and bite and growl. They cause a ruckus, a clamor. And I cringe, watching the scene unfold seconds after actions. I am shoved aside by my emotions. Tears spring at my side, and fear quivers on my feet. Anger rushes and joy lifts. Jealousy pokes at me in the moment. I watch it all just slightly behind. Like a lag on the screen. I cringe and worry and regret from behind, just partly in the shadows. The beast is untameable. I cannot calm a storm or stop a rampage. I cannot read the beast to calm it. It could be lashing out from fear or grief or jealousy, but all I see is an uncontrollable and violent offender. Something to be put down. 

I don’t hold my emotions in contempt, but sometimes they offend me. Sometimes anger pushes me too hard and I stumble in my stride. Sometimes jealousy pokes too hard and bruises form. Sometimes fear crushes and dirties my shoes. It feels offensive, and it is hard not to be distressed at the falter in my steps. But it is important to remember that the beast survives. It does not exist to be loved or cherished or rocked in your arms, it exists to keep your steps. Keep your feet moving and stop them so they can still walk another day. But still, that does not stop my regret or worry or cringe as I watch from behind.

What I mean to say is that I do not live in the moment. But I react and I feel and I cannot stop that. I cannot stop the immediate hurt or anger or jealousy, no less than I can stop the joy or love or pride. I feel everything in the moment, and then some more in the moments after. Sometimes I’ll feel anger in the moment, and then a moment later I’ll feel love. Or it could be the opposite. Or it could just never settle, never change, or never stop changing. If I write that I hate the world one day, I might write that I love the world the next. It doesn’t take away from the meaning or the weight of my words, it just means that I have so much more to write. And that I will never stop writing. 

I cannot control the beast, but I know how to live with it. I know how to adapt and accept it. And even though I do not love it, or cherish it, I acknowledge and appreciate it all the same. The beast knows me, it has come from me. But it bites the hands of its maker, because it knows that it is me. We hurt and feel, one and the same.

Kaelynn Vuong is an Asian American poet and author from Texas. Her favorite authors include Michelle Zauner and Christopher Paolini. In her free time, she enjoys multi-medium crafting and reading in the comfort of her own home.