A Walk Downtown

Anna Padilla

I shield my face as a large van speeds by, the bright headlights piercing right into my eyes. It’s one of maybe four cars I’ve seen all night, in the hours I’ve spent walking. I shiver, clutching the sleeves of my hoodie, it’s oddly cold for a September evening. The lamppost lights flicker and buzz down the street. A small rat scuttles past me on the pavement, dazed and confused by the flickering lights. I take a quick look around. The street signs still had the rust I had remembered fondly, and the same dive bars and taco trucks still radiated that sweet scent of rotten meat and pot smoke, making me gag. The cracked sidewalks were still coated in chewed-up gum, cigarette butts, and candy wrappers, making a slight crunch with every few steps. Everything was the same. I don’t know what else I was expecting. I adjust my grip on my bag, my watch reading 4:04 AM, and continue walking down the road, not too far from my destination.

It had been a while since I had found myself here. Six years ago, I swore I’d die before I’d ever show my face here again. So, why now? Why am I here, in the dead of the night, walking downtown? I just…felt something welling up in me. A feeling I had never felt before, and I knew I had to go back to where it all started. I knew the risk, but I also knew the reward, and that was enough for me. That was enough for me to start walking. 

My alarm clock read 12:06 AM when the sensible person in me faded – when the feeling started. I practically jumped out of bed, and walked quietly to my window, being careful to not wake up my roommates. They couldn’t know what I was doing, not after they took me in. The window opened with a slight creek. With a deep breath, I jumped out from the second floor, rolling into a somersault as I hit the ground. I guess those years of defense training were finally paying off. 

The streets outside my home were dark and empty, lit only by a few lamppost lights. The pavement is smooth under my feet as I start walking, the roads clear of any potholes or litter, a perfect place for a nightly stroll. It’s quiet, only slightly hearing the family across the road whose weekly game night seemed to run later than normal. The distant happy laughter is music to my ears. The streets feel peaceful and safe, even at this late hour. It’s funny how things change.

The local 24-hour supply store was my first stop. Using the $20 gift card one of my roommates got me for Christmas, who knows how long ago, and some cash I found on the ground, I splurged on the supplies I needed for this walk, despite the clerk’s odd glances. 

“Uh…what do you need these for at such a late hour, young lady?” he said with a confused, suspicious look on his face. He seemed weary of me. No big deal though, there’s no way this moron would be the one to stop me.

I paused for a moment, before putting on my prettiest smile, and saying with delight, “Oh, my besties and I are having a bonfire down the road! Got low on supplies, had to restock!” I giggled and twirled my hair a bit. I held back a gag. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to play a part. Put on a smile, and lie through your teeth, so no one gets caught. Acting seems to run in my family.

He seemed more at ease, “Oh okay, you guys be safe!” He said with a smile, and he handed me my goods. I walked out of the store without a glance back. Moron.

A couple of hours had gone by as I continued walking, ignoring the blisters I felt forming on my feet. These streets were growing unfamiliar, and I found myself feeling nervous. My GPS was clear, just a few more hours of walking before I arrived. The goal was in sight, but I couldn’t help but toy with the idea of turning around and abandoning everything. I’ve lived comfortably for the past few years. Everything was finally going better for me. I was taken in by wonderful people, I finally escaped from the hellscape of my previous life. Everyone preaches the importance of leaving your past behind and practicing forgiveness, and I’ve tried hard to. I have comfort, I have support, but something’s missing. There’s still this weight on me that I can’t lift. Still, maybe they’re right. Maybe what I need is to turn around, and leave it behind. Would this really help me? I’m risking everything I have, everything I love. Was the reward worth that? 

I’m not sure how much time had passed as I reflected, and I was about to turn around, when I stumbled upon a small building, surrounded by run-down gas pumps and fuzzy lampposts. The local 7-Eleven. The first landmark I recognized on my walk. Suddenly, everything seemed to slow down.

The feeling of ambiguity and questioning went away in an instant, as I came to a halt and stared at the building from across the road, the lights shining brightly amidst the darkness. I still remember when this building first opened. Yes, the brand new 7-Eleven, a fresh new place amidst the rubble all around town. Something as small as a convenience store was a sight to behold as a 10-year-old who’d only seen darkness and destruction her whole life. The bright building shined like a star in my eyes, it was like having Disney World just a few minutes down the road. They knew this, too. They used it against me. “We have the perfect surprise for our precious girl! Are you ready to have the best birthday ever?!” “Yes, that bright new store with the fun drinks! You get to go!” They taunted me on the drive there, smiles plastered across their faces, but their eyes still had their darkness. They watched me get out of the car, jumping up and down in excitement, but they didn’t join me. No. They instead let out a horrible, ear-splitting laugh. “Hahahaha! Hahahahaha!” It felt never-ending. It was the laugh I’d heard so many times before, but this time was supposed to be different. They were being nice! Why did they go back to being meanies? They then promptly slammed the door and drove away. As the car left her sight, little me could only stand there in the empty parking lot in confused silence. She was so bewildered, she had no idea why this would happen. She couldn’t buy the fun drinks on her own, she had no money. Where did they go?

That was the last time I’d ever seen them. All I had left of them were the bruises running up and down my arms. That night in September was when I first started running. I could’ve walked home, little me could’ve figured out the way, but I didn’t. I had run in the opposite direction and began my new life.

I stared at the building for the first time in seven years, and I could feel my anger building, the weight inside of me only growing heavier. I tightened my grip on my bag, and turned around, my destination the only thing on my mind.

Despite it only being 4:10 AM, It feels like decades have gone by since I started walking. It’s only gotten darker and colder, but here I am. Downtown, surrounded by all of the familiar sights. I expected to feel disgusted, angry, or a deep sense of despair as I first stepped into my hometown, but I didn’t. I felt nothing. Empty. 

My feet are blistered, and the weight of the bag in my hand is so heavy, but finally, the goal was just down the road. I take my final left turn and walk straight down to the end of the block. The combination of nerves and excitement creates a rush I’ve never felt before, as I walk faster and faster. And then, here it is. My destination. The all-too-familiar house.

The all-too-familiar home.

Everything is the same. The door still has the same holiday wreath on it they couldn’t be bothered to take down. The welcome mat is still the same run-down, dirty rug. There’s still a divot on the side wall from when He punched it. There’s still a crack in the upper left window from when She threw a vase at it, screaming at me. The broken swing set I would escape to is still here, right next to the bushes with the leaves I would use to clean my cuts. All of the trauma, all of the pain, it was all still there, all of the memories. Still out in the open.

I open up my bag and take out the bottle, walking up to the front porch, a chill going up my spine as I walk the steps. I take a long deep breath and begin to pour. I walk all around the house, pouring out the contents of the large bottle, the fluid spilling over the overgrown weeds. I can see through the back window into the living room. The fuzzy TV screen full of cracks was bright amidst the dark room. An episode of Pawn Stars was playing. That was always his favorite. He was there, She probably wasn’t far away. They were here. I haven’t seen them in so long. 

No, we’re not doing this now. I ripped my eyes away from the window, I couldn’t let myself get distracted, I don’t have time to dwell on my morals or past memories, I have to do this now. I poured out the final drop of the fluid.

I reach into the bag one more time, pulling out the final step. I open up the box, and take one out, staring at the missing piece of the puzzle I had been trying to solve for so long. I stare up at the prison before me, knowing what was about to unfold, and a smile grows on my face. I was finally feeling the satisfaction I watched them feel for so long. Looking down at my hand, a giggle begins to well up in my throat. I laugh hysterically to myself as I swipe the stick against the wall, a small, glowing light appearing before me. The feeling I had felt before was now the strongest it had ever been. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Finally, it was my turn.

It’s time.

I throw the match straight ahead and watch as the sky lights up, the flames consuming all of my vision. I don’t step far enough away from the impact, the fire burns my hoodie sleeve and deeply singes my arm, but I don’t even feel the pain. Nothing else matters to me as I watch the house of memories begin to fade away. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, the smoke dancing in the air in intricate patterns. I have never smiled so wide in my life. All of the weight that had built up inside me in the years was finally lifted. I drink it in for just a moment, the vision of destruction and beauty, the chaos and the calm, before I turn around, and begin walking downtown.

–

Anna Padilla is a writer from The United States. She is currently a college student, and enjoys playing various instruments in her free time.