Avoidance

Elizabeth Ramp

Avoidance. That’s the first step. Don’t make eye contact. Stare at the plate in front of you instead. Memorize the groves on the edge, get lost in swirl after swirl, pick apart each detail. Eat. But not too quickly and not too slow either. Don’t get any bright ideas. Replicate the decals of your plate with your fork, dragging the food across the surface. But not too much. Just enough to make it look like you’re eating, not enough to call attention to yourself. Be invisible. That’s best for everyone. Don’t put a match to the flame. Become one with the wall instead. Boring. Unnoticed. Invisible. Keep those eyes of yours down. Unseeing at the plate. You’re lucky to have such a nice meal you know. Blend in. Maybe that way nothing will happen.

When it starts, don’t you dare flinch. Step two? Not reacting. You’re used to this by now. Why would you dare the act of defiance by reacting? Then whatever happens next is your fault. Keep your mind busy. Focus on anything else. Play little games in your head. Count the seconds that you can go without blinking. And start over again when you do. No telling how long this episode will last. Better to stay out of it and avoid the risk of making things worse by standing up for yourself. It’ll end eventually. It always does. The crying always ends. The yelling always halts. Something, or someone, always breaks. Just survive this minute. You can do that, can’t you?

Cover it up. That’s the third step. This is a normal family. Act like it. Mother acts like it. Why can’t you? You should really be helping her clean up. Scrape the potatoes off the wall, sweep up the peas, wipe off the table. Pick up that plate of yours. You must glue it back together now. If you replaced it every time then the money would drain much faster…wouldn’t it? You know it would. Now put that thing back on the table where you found it. Go back to your room now. Remember, nothing happened. It’s a normal family. And tomorrow night? Don’t fixate your gaze on the freshly crusted glue, the crystalized substance holding it all together when you make your way back to step one.

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Elizabeth is entering her senior year of high school and loves music, dance, and writing. She hopes to continue writing in college and speak out about mental health.